Intimacy (chapter 9 in resilient)

Intimacy
Today I spent some time at the columbarium with my Dad's ashes. It was just me and him (my memory of him, his ghost, who really knows). For me, this felt intensely intimate, I brought my lunch and a crossword puzzle, and talked with him about my life and crossword puzzle clues. I was not planning to share this moment with anyone else, yet it feels important to demonstrate that intimacy comes in many forms. Being tuned into yourself, remembering a loved one, and sharing time with another are all ways to find closeness.  

Reflection On Resilient: Intimacy
I found a lot of aspects of this chapter in Rick Hanson's book to be helpful. Yet I feel like he left out one aspect of intimacy, that Brené Brown covers well in in her teachings on shame and vulnerability. She teaches us the importance of discerning which relationships feel safe, from our perspective, for growing intimacy and being vulnerable. You can hear this lesson infused in her books, talks, and podcast. Opening up is not easy work and we need the "right person": "someone who is deeply rooted, able to bend, and, most of all, we need someone who embraces us for our strengths and struggles. We need to honor our struggle by sharing it with someone who has earned the right to hear it." It is your choice, and right, as an individual to decide who has earned the honor of getting to know you. ​

​Quotes From Resilient: Intimacy
​P175: Intimacy rests on a foundation of personal autonomy, empathy, compassion and kindness, and unilateral virtue in relationships.
P176: to get the most out of "we", you need to stay centered in "me".
P180: When you feel grounded as "me," you're able to be empathic without getting flooded or overwhelmed.
P183: If you start to feel uncomfortable or flooded as you open to the other person, reestablish a strong sense of "me." You could imagine that you are deeply rooted like a sturdy tree, and that the thoughts and feelings of others are passing through you like wind through leaves. Remind yourself that you don't have to agree with or approve of anything if you don't want to, which will help you be more receptive toward other people.
P187: In general, we're more inclined to be compassionate and kind toward people we think are like us in some way. Try to look for commonalities with others - particularly with those who seem very unlike you.
P190: Be honorable and responsible even when others aren't. This approach to relationships simplifies things. Instead of getting lost in what others ought to be doing, you focus on your own actions. This approach also supports a sense of agency by emphasizing where you do have influence, which is mainly over yourself, not others. Unilateral virtue feels good in it's own right, pulls your attention away from negative preoccupations about other people, and helps you feel the "bliss of blamelessness" as you know that you've been doing everything you can. 

Resilient: How to grow an unshakable core of calm, strength, and happiness
by Rick Hanson, Ph.D. with Forrest Hanson, copyright 2018
Chapter 9, pages 175-194

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let go of Who You Think You're Supposed To Be And Embrace Who You Are
by Brené Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W., copyright 2010
Chapter 1