Courage (chapter 10 in resilient)

Reflection On Resilient: Courage
I really appreciated this chapter. I felt some relief in reading this chapter as Rick Hanson spoke on being discerning about identifying relationships that you want to grow or decrease intimacy (see 9/5/25 post). Which I think is so very critical - I believe a key to life is knowing our own heart and honoring it. 

Summary of Resilient: Courage
The bulk of the chapter is focused on three topics (1) speak from the heart with self-respect and skill (2) effective ways to assert yourself and (3) how to make repairs in relationships.
Speak from the heart with self-respect and skill: Rick Hanson encourages us to assess for safety first (discerning which relationships you want to expand), identify your truth, and determined shared ground rules for communicating. He then shares about wise communication skills drawing from Buddhism and Nonviolent communication (NVC).
Effective ways to assert yourself: In any relationship we will need to assert (advocate for, share your aims, or express) at some point. To do so he says we first establish the facts, clarify each person's values, stay on topic (the desired goal and not past arguments), and stay focused on the future (what happens from now on). He asserts that by making requests (not demands) we are implicitly acknowledging that we can't make another person do something and it highlights their autonomy and responsibility. Also, he states by writing down the agreement we are more likely to have a shared understanding of the plan. 
How to make repairs in relationships: The final topic is learning how to repair. An important step is checking in with yourself (three techniques I like are RAIN by Tara Brach, ACT distancing exercises, and "the story I'm telling myself" technique from Brené  Brown). Rick encourages us to keep an inner knowing of "I matter", done by using his HEAL exercise to instill a sense of what will help you speak up about your needs. A final suggestion he offers is an exercise to identify and "adjust the relationship to its true foundation": draw a circle on paper and this is the "possibility" (hopes and common shared activities), consider what you'd like to reduce and make this as out of bounds, and make adjustments in the relationship accordingly. He noted that the adjustments might be activities or how you view the relationship in your own mind. He also, suggests that you can make changes by stating your plan to the other person or simply start acting in new ways.

Resilient: How to grow an unshakable core of calm, strength, and happiness
by Rick Hanson, Ph.D. with Forrest Hanson, copyright 2018
Chapter 10, pages 197-219