Labels
I have a history of difficult experiences at dentist offices. So the label "dentist", for much of my life, had a very negative connotation. I had a fear that any "dentist" would cause me harm. So much so that when I was single and dating I would have avoided dating a dentist. In more recent years I stumbled upon a dentist that overcame that "bad" label. His kindness, personality, and approach diffuses my fears and when I'm in the chair I have trust in him and the process. Even with the intense sounds and occasional pain I am able to remember his positive intention of care for me that is infused in his recommendations and his actions.

This example of labeling comes to mind this week because I had an urgent dental need and was considering avoiding going in. My fear spiked because I didn't want to deal with anticipated pain from a dental procedure during the week of Thanksgiving. I called anyway and feel immense gratitude due to his validation and care. My tooth needed a simple fix and now I'm able to enjoy the weekend. Plus we found connection while sharing about our Thanksgiving traditions and plans. I left feeling uplifted since we bonded over our similar histories and were curious about our differing traditions. 

Labels Are Meant To Help Us
As we begin to gather and connect with our loved ones let us keep in mind how we are labeling them. Does it make us think of them as "good" or "bad"? Our brains are designed to create labels as part of the process of categorizing and determining safety. Yet when we label someone as "bad" we are cutting off our ability to understand their core intention. In the past the label of "dentist" said to me "danger". It was not helpful for me to see danger at the dental office. This led to tension, fear, and avoidance which ultimately caused me harm and created disconnection from kind and caring human beings. 

For me the most helpful way to do this is to look beyond the label and understand a person's positive intention. With the dentist, I now keep in mind he is intending to help and care for me. Even though there has been unintentional harm in the past (sometimes temporary and sometimes permanent); I can see beyond the results and hold a belief that dentists are "good and safe" allowing me to relax and even enjoy my time spent in the dental chair connecting with my dentist and hygienist as they care for my health. 

Our brains are designed to label so let's use this skill to our benefit. Try digging deeper, go beyond seeing labels of a person that have an underlying "bad" context in your mind. Look for labels that indicate safety and goodness such as seeing someone as kind, thoughtful, or generous. Identify their positive intention or shared values. For me it has been well worth the effort in many areas of my life and I hope that you find this is true for you as well.

Find Your People
"In a world of strangers, you don't know who to trust. All you see is danger, try to find what you lost. You can't go it alone, everybody needs help. You got to find your people, then you'll find yourself." (Lyrics from: Find Your People by Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors)

Stranger Danger
It is so very scary to look around (the neighborhood, city, or country) and feel "different" and not aligned with others. When everyone feels like a stranger, our nervous system tells us we are in danger. And when we feel in danger we work to protect ourselves - sometimes we literally hide from the world and other times we make up "rules of engagement" for relationships. Rules such as setting limits in our conversation topics tricks our nervous systems into feeling safer. However, when we set limits with rules or hiding out our bodies continue to be in a state of fear. When we are in a state of fear we also limit our energy and joy for life. 

Find "Safe" People
It can feel overwhelming to try and align with people who have differing opinions, such as in the "Just Like Me" 11/13/24 post. So perhaps we should start smaller! One step towards reconnecting is to find allies in this world that align with your values. For example, imagine that you are employed with a company and you do not like or respect the owner. If you stay hyper-focused on that person you may feel full of fear, frustration, and disappointment. An alternative mindset is to start by looking around at the managers, co-workers, and even customers. When you look at everyone, you have the opportunity to consider, is there someone that I look up to, respect, and trust? The answer is yes, you just need to expand your view large enough to find them. There are many people like you in this world, people that align with your values and beliefs. So look beyond the "top" person and shine a light on all those around you to find "safe" people. Because when we have a sense of aligning with others we can increase our sense of safety and camaraderie. When we feel safe and connected we return to feeling full of love, hope, and joy. 

Let's all get back to choosing love, not fear. Find your people and you find yourself!

Just Like Me
Categorizing By Default
How do we end division when our brain automatically wants to label and categorize? We label and categorize automatically because our brains were designed this way to help keep us safe. When our ancestors had to forage for food, the unknown was unsafe. So we learned to favor the known. This automatic process is not as helpful in our modern day lives. In fact, it leads to increased fear and hate when we use it to categorize people. Seeing "other people" as bad, simply because it's unknown to us is a default mode of thinking that you do not have to continue. 

Healing Division With Intention
If you have a desire to feel closer to your fellow humans, Pema Chödrön (Reference 1, p. 26) offers a practice she calls "Just Like Me". She suggests you go to a public setting and people watch. As you do so she suggests you say "Just like me, this person loses it sometimes. Just like me, this person doesn't want to be disliked. Just like me, this person wants to have friends and intimacy." What you say is not as important as how it feels for you to say it. The phrase you choose will likely be unique to you, something that touches your heart deeply in this moment. Perhaps a value or need that is important to you right now. By choosing something salient you will increase your ability to generate compassion and understanding for another fellow human. Imagine you're feeling scared and unsafe emotionally; in that moment it may help to think "just like me they feel scared and are longing for safety." 

Why Practice
We can find alignment with our fellow humans, be it strangers or a family member who doesn't agree with us. As we practice, we move away from anger and sadness and we cultivate love and connection.  


Reference 1: Pema Chödrön, Welcoming the Unwelcome, 2019, Chapter 3

Dear Disheartened Americans
Recent events greatly impacted the hope, courage, and spirit of many Americans. I have noticed many of you getting very quiet, and even disconnecting from life and other people. Shutting down to protect, is an automatic response of the nervous system when threatened with danger. It can be wise and helpful at times to temporarily retreat. Yet if you retreat into a deep dark cave there is little there to help you recover. This deprivation can be dangerous, because it can take a stronger and longer hold of you convincing you to numb out and stay within. Instead of retreating into a deep dark cave, fill your life with comfort, hope, and love. Stop and look around, is the entire world around currently unsafe? Even though you feel disappointed and raw there is still beauty and joy available to you. Tune into what feels safe and hopeful. Start small if you need to, make your home cozy, read a book, escape into nature. From there expand into listening to uplifting people, reach out to a friend, find something to laugh about, go out in public and see that people are still smiling. From here you might begin to feel ready to fully reconnect with life, offering hope and love to others. Your voice, your actions, and your devotion to a better world matter. You matter. Please don't give up. I need you and the world needs you!

​Making Sense of Other People's Choices.
Feel your disappointment, confusion, and anger. But don't stop there. Staying in a mindset of resistance and judgment will maintain a state of division. Certainly there are components in other people's choices that could intensify our frustrations and divide us further. However, to move towards unity we need to first process our feelings and then find components and motivations that will help us align, understand, and rebuild our common humanity. 

Why put in the effort. 
Your actions matter. Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke about Loving Your Enemies on November 17, 1957 stating "Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." A very pronounced example of efforts creating a difference is from my hometown of Portland, Oregon. On May 17, 2019 Keanon Lowe, the football coach at Parkrose High School, disarmed a student by hugging them and prevented a school tragedy. No one was injured because this human being offered love to another human being.

Shift your mindset and return to loving actions.
When you are willing and ready, move towards love, as Kamala Harris said, on November 7, 2024, "live our lives by treating one another with kindness and respect, by looking in the face of a stranger and seeing a neighbor, by always using our strength to lift people up, to fight for the dignity that all people deserve." This may feel like no easy task right now when their is disappointment and frustration. As a therapist, I turn towards various techniques to help me "walk in other people's shoes." (1) I keep in mind that if I lived the life you had lived I would feel the same way as you. This can be a big stretch if you really don't understand a person's life, so begin by getting curious about others. Ask and listen. Find out their history, hurts, and values. (2) Use the ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) concept of values based action to understand motivating factors. This entails identifying what value drove your choice and what value drove another's choice. For example: If a person's values related to which produce to buy is driven by how it impacts the earth and your body, they would likely buy organic produce. If a person's values in purchasing produce is based on price alone, they would obviously buy the least expensive option. Most of us can understand and relate to a time when finances had to be the driving force in our decisions, which required us to deprioritize other values. (3) I'm reading that recent choices were motivated by wanting a "better" life. Some people are remembering their life as "better" 6 years ago. We don't all have the same idea of what "better" looks like, yet can't we all related to a longing for a "better" life. By identifying a longing, need, or desire that "makes sense" to us, we can find unity with others through our shared humanity. 

This is not the end of the story.
Find a way to settle yourself.
Breathe. Create. Express.
Find a way to act.
Believe. Uplift. And most of all Love.

Calm yourself.
For me music and humor help.
I am making a playlist of songs with a mix of goofy and calming. Making your own will tune into what you need (if you need some inspiration, here are a few of mine: It's The End Of The World As We Know it by REM, Presidential Silver Lining by John Craigie, Let It breathe by Rob Riccardo, Bowl Of Light by Trevor Hall, Stay Alive by José González). 
When I need to remember goodness I am watching Bluey episodes, they are so innocent, real, and close with hope. My favorite by far is the Ice Cream episode. Find some way to remember there is good happening right now!
​
After calming comes action.
How can you make a difference today? Start with simple things: an uplifting difference in your own life or a smile to a stranger. And follow your inspirations. All our actions matter, big and small. Even when there seems to be a lack of unity in the world, you can bring unity into your life. Don't give up. Don't stop trying.